As the Anxiety Queen (or maybe slave is a better word), one of my biggest fears in life has always been of letting go or leaving. I make too much of myself and feel that everything depends on me - that if I don't take care of something, it will never get done; that if I don't come through for someone, they will be devastated and ruined; that if I don't exemplify the perfect caring woman, people will lose hope. I'm terrified of ever letting someone down. I have easily made the error of magnifying myself and my role in this life. I cannot comprehend that if I fail, things can still come together for good. I don't really believe that life goes on regardless of what I do. I forget that this is not my party.
I find myself often praying and begging God to show up in my life: when I'm nervous about a speech, when my family seems to be falling apart, when I don't know what to do with a friend, when a project or goal I have appears like it will never work out. But today, like the simplest idea, it hit me - God was here first. He cares more about my family and my friends and the projects I'm working on than I do. In fact, when it comes down to it, they're more his family and friends and projects than they are mine. I have merely been privileged to share in this grand adventure and wonderful work He is doing. Regardless of what I do, the party goes on because I am not the host but His guest.
Like King Nebuchadnezzar, who thought the entire kingdom of Babylon depended upon and was the result of himself, I have been humbled. God made Nebuchadnezzar a beast of the field for seven years to prove to the prideful king who really had authority, and lately He has made me a broken and disheveled woman to show me that only He can control this life. If we're being honest, I'm relieved and thankful. It's so good to know that I don't always have to make the right decision, because God can use both my "yes" and my "no" for good. I don't have to be there every second for someone who is hurting, because in the moments I'm not there, God is. I don't need to succeed in everything I do, because when I don't, God can still work things out for good. Life does not depend on me!
I'm relieved and overwhelmed with peace today knowing that I don't have to invite and beg God to show up in everything I do. Instead, it's just the opposite of what I've always thought to be true. God is and always has been everywhere before me, leading the way and inviting me to the places where He will use me for a time until He summons me onward. It's His party, not mine, and boy am I glad.
I never knew relinquishing control could feel so wonderful.
Love your blog! So encouraging and uplifting :) Have a good day!
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